Today’s gospel lesson seems to have some of the same themes from last week’s lesson; only this week we have more than just Thomas having a hard time believing what he sees; this time it’s a room full of disciples and their companions who are frightened and who are doubting what they are experiencing…
One of the biggest issues for people both in and out of church is doubt; and, for some, it forces them out of the church because they have been taught, or at least think within themselves, that doubt is not ok… that somehow, we must believe what we’ve been taught, that we must always have answers; that the way to live a “Christian life” is to have unshakeable, unwavering faith…
I have to say that I am at least a little wary of individuals and communities that believe they have all the answers; maybe it’s a character flaw of mine, but my life rarely fits into neat little categories and boxes… there’s so much that is unexplained or takes me by surprise… and it has taken me a long time to get sort of comfortable with the muddiness of it all, and heaven knows, there are days when I am not… I am fond of saying, “They’re gonna bury me with my fingers wrapped around my questions… and I have several.”
Let’s face it… Life can really shake us up… there are all sorts of things that can blindside us and knock us off our feet, literally and figuratively… I find it easier to have faith when things are going well, when it seems like there is nothing challenging going on and all seems right with the world… But, life isn’t like that all the time or even most of the time for many of us…
And of course, there are lots of well meaning people out there who will try to offer answers that just don’t hold up in the long run… As a special needs parent, let me tell you, I have heard them all… things like, “God must think you’re special to have chosen you to be Danny’s parents”, or my personal favorite, “God never gives you more than you can handle”…
If that’s true, then God must think I am some sort of super woman ninja, because honestly, there are days when I can’t handle it, or at the very least, I don’t handle it well; and I am sure that all of us have had those moments when we just wonder when it’s going to stop being so hard…
Here’s what I think, at least today… First, God has better sense than to choose me to be Danny’s mom… and implying that God chose me, means that somehow, God chose Danny’s disabilities for him… I just don’t think I can believe in or worship a God who is that arbitrary or that mean… and as far as God not giving me more than I can handle? Again, I just don’t understand that… I have a really hard time trying to understand why that thought is comforting. It just makes God out to be a bully. The God that I have come to know, doesn’t cause disabilities, or cancer, or families that are abusive; God doesn’t hand out troubles like some twisted lottery to test our strength or worse yet, test our faith… if God did that, I suspect we would all fail on the test of faith eventually; I know I would. The human spirit can only take so much pain… and I am not interested in a God who is more thug than God…It would make me an atheist in a heartbeat…
The desire for answers is one I can certainly identify with; there is so much that is hard, so much that threatens our inner peace, so many questions about why suffering is allowed to continue, or why it happens in the first place… we’ve all asked that question… “why has God allowed this to happen?”
We could spend our whole life looking for those answers, and maybe that’s what we do; we come to church, we worship, we pray, hoping that somehow, someway, answers might be found… and perhaps, sometimes they are…
What I DO know, through the witness of scripture and our tradition, as well as my experience and the experiences of others brave enough to talk about it, is that any answer that means anything is found in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, and in the life of the church that strives to witness to his life, death and resurrection. That is not an answer that can be easily explained or reduced to a bumper sticker or hallmark platitude; rather, it’s an answer that must be lived and must be experienced; and it’s an answer that continues to grow within us as we continue to live as his disciples. What my own experience tell me, is that there are periods of time that seem impossible, that I don’t handle well; but the gift in all of it, is knowing that there is a community of people who will pray when I cannot, and who will offer love and support and all sorts of other things to help get me to the other side; and sometimes there is doubt; doubt that God is listening or doubt that God cares; for some there may be doubt that God is even real… I believe that when we are honest about our doubts, honest about our anger, that those moments are moments of true prayer; those are the moments when our longing for meaning and for God can truly become occasions of greater knowledge of God and in God’s way of doing things, can become occasions of stronger faith… in the love and smile of my son, or in the faith and fearlessness of a dying friend, I see Jesus reflected back to me… and what I see is the Jesus that the disciples saw that day; the one who is scarred, the one who is changed by his life and his experiences just as we are scarred and changed; when I see the facial features of Down Syndrome, or the chemo port on a cancer patient, I see the marks of the nails in his hands… when I hear the stories of others sadness and hurt, I hear his prayer from Gethsemane… and for today, it is enough. I know that my scars are his; I know that together as a community, we pray, we worship, we love and we support each other whatever might come our way… and today, that is answer enough.
O God, whose blessed Son made himself known to his disciples in the breaking of bread: Open the eyes of our faith, that we may behold him in all his redeeming work; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen